I feel profoundly edgy today. A heady amalgam of the storm that has been battering my corner of the world for over a week - relentless wind and rain - leaving me feeling caged; combined with the world stage overrun with melodrama, mass scale suffering, a sick game of chess where the powers that be have forsaken any rules and are just chucking the pieces at each other; combined with my own first-world concerns of having enough money and enough time and enough love.
Ugh.
Why does it feel manifestly impossible to surrender right now? When I ask myself what my choices are I see that I can either trust in my God or I can wallow on through the mud of life on my own will riddled with self doubt and fears, my mind whirling with machinations of solutions to indefinable problems.
The intelligent decision would be to surrender and trust.
"You tried that once" my ego says "and that one time... you didn't get what you wanted" - evidence enough to keep trying the steep route eh?
Why do I resist surrender? Why do I find it so hard to trust?
The answer comes... "I don't trust myself". I foresee myself trusting that everything will be alright financially so I go and blow all my money on "stuff". I foresee myself trusting that I believe God will save me from eating disorders only to then go and gorge myself to death. I foresee myself trusting that I will be loved only to die a lonely death.
I totally need to control these things! I do not want to be skint, fat or alone.
Oh hang on... these are the things that I am fearing will happen if I trust AND if I don't trust. These fears have nothing to do with trust! They are just fears. I try to rigidly control my money, food and relationships because I cannot and will not accept my powerlessness over these matters despite the destructive evidence of my past that prove my attempts at self control futile and my fears self perpetuating.
How would it FEEL to totally trust God?
I guess I wouldn't even need to trust myself because in trusting God I am trusting myself. There is no separation between my trust in God and my trust in myself.
I guess I would feel peaceful. I would feel calmly accepting that come what may I would be OK.
I guess I would stop fretting about paying the bills in favour of trusting that whatever happens I'll be OK.
I guess I would let go of determining what "being OK" looked like, relinquish my interpretation which really means "get what I think I want"...
I guess I would feel relaxed. I would feel alive. I would feel inspired. I would feel connected. I would feel free to take time out and rest if I needed it and guided to work and take action when it was required.
I could listen to my body's signals. I could hear my intuition.
I would respond rather than react. I would feel loved by everything and seek love from nothing.
*Tears come* I see myself freefalling through space with no-thing to define me or reassure me I was good enough - these things I seek to control... they are my benchmarks of worthiness. When I "win" a job, lose some weight, win some affection... oh boy oh boy... I am worthy. If I relinquish the game to prove myself worthy how will I know I am worthy?
How will I know I exist? Without work or reward or love or attention from others... how will I know I exist?
Maybe I won't. Maybe I am nothing.
What's the worst case scenario that prevents me fully surrendering to God and trusting.
My worst case scenario is that I will be let down. That my trust will not be rewarded. That I will fall into rent arrears and be homeless again. That I will be left by my loved ones and be alone. That I will be penniless, homeless, alone.
I fear that I am not worthy enough for my needs to be met. That I cannot do enough to ever be good enough. That I am nothing without love and money. That I am forgotten about in my little corner of this scary world.
After these recent weeks journeying into the underworld; I am about to be re-born. Can I find it in myself to choose to trust? Have I any choice?
No comments:
Post a Comment