Testament of our Elders

I haven't written in the blog for a while. It's been christmas.

I have been between death and birth, still. Waiting, treading water. In the between.

I have also been writing my book on dementia.

Funny topic for a trainee doula! Revisiting the past of our elders.

A generation that lived through unspeakable acts of war, and loss.

At a time when our world feels torn asunder by deeper forces again than war.

I am unsure. I am unsure.

I feel such a pain at the grief of war. The pointlessness.

Always look for the helpers, the carers, the witnesses, the bearers.

Steep karma those that tend to the suffering.

Have I hope?

I have neither lost hope in humanity nor in nature. There must be a way.

Dark Moon Goddess

Last weekend I told my mother that I was ready to start healing others again. For 7 years since I received my master attunement I haven't particularly felt that my role was to lay hands on others because I knew that I needed to heal myself first. I didn't see that statement coming but when I heard myself say that I felt myself reeling - am I really that OK? I check in... my body is largely without pain... I am not ill with any infection... I feel light in my body... my emotions and feelings are beautifully wild, real and powerful but I am not identified with them... I like what I see in the mirror, I love the feel of my curves under my palms... my mind is generally still, I am not resentful nor guilty... I feel by and large present to the moment. I feel open in my heart, grounded through my feet and clear in my mind. Check, check, check.

Huh that's weird. Not only am I used to not being in full health but I actually enjoyed it at times. Look after me! Take care of me! Wrap me up and tend to me! Full health means taking full responsibility. Am I ready?

Having performed the attunement ritual laid out in the previous post for myself I also spent time in the ether with my master Morag who also attuned me last night. I asked to be attuned to Abundance, Sacred Intimacy, Full Health, Radical Self Love and Self Care... (In the name of service to others). Already feeling That we sat - Morag near Aberdeen, Scotland and me in Snowdonia and I felt the fire pulse through me. I felt soft and hot and open. Sensual. I held my obsidian yoni egg in my hand (am at menses) and I drank water infused with my clear crystal orb.

I then slept deeply and dreamt of my friend Ian (who in real life is a fellow mentor at the seminary and has established the OneSpirit Ashram Kitchen in the Jungle in Calais - and recently he held me while I experienced a profound spiritual awakening experience - it's detailed in a previous post)... in the dream he was weeping and I held him. He stopped weeping after some time and we were spinning together, then became still and merged. My interpretation of the dream is that Ian represents my animus which takes great action in service of humanity - the weeping of the animus is one of both exhaustion and for being seen. In the holding the balance is achieved and a dynamo spinning occurs of energy.

I was at my Red Tent circle on Saturday and I shared that at the most profoundest level I have yet experienced I feel whole and well. I also feel DARK and am reclaiming "dark" from its association with bad, wrong, evil, sad, lost and the opposite of light (which gets so often credited with goodness).

I am in the winter of my cycle (menses) and started bleeding on the dark moon and am in the winter of the year. I couldn't BE darker. Oh my... how extraordinary do I feel. The menstrual pains are still painful at one level but with my hands on my belly, tuning in I feel this deep groaning swaying primal contraction to nothing - yes, now I can be nothing - and all there is is That that is in All. Like a black hole. I am nothing.

I still feel waves of grief - largely for my black dog - Nero, bless him. But the grief when I hold it tenderly is like the great heaving swell of the oceans. It moves within me and beyond me - I am the ocean. 

I feel tired - but the judgment that that is wrong has died - the tiredness is a delicious settling and resting into a soft bed of moss - the tendrils of earthly roots reaching into my ears and mouth - breathing me and nourishing me as I sleep. I am the earth. 

I feel in Love. That Love keeps breaking me into fractions of grains of sand. My heart is breaking over and over for the pain of those I love, for the state of the world, for the refugees, for the bombs, for the angry ones. My heart keeps breaking open for the elders of our world lost in dementia - tormented by demons. For all the creatures of this world cold and alone, hungry. That Love and Grief are One.

The Love is ecstatic and is excruciating. I am not high. I am sitting calmly on my laptop sharing how I feel. I know what is consensus reality - I am feeling awake and grounded and real.

The Love I feel for everything right now is beyond words.

Claiming Divine Inheritance

Funny thing is inheritance. In all my time working in older people's services I saw time and again how the possibility of inheritance clouded the children and grandchildren's judgement of how people should receive care. Lost inheritance is the theme of my life - my maternal grandmother owned her home and sold it to pay for the renovation of our cottage and outbuildings into a granny flat and offices for my father's business. My father got involved in what would have been a massively lucrative invention which had his name on the patent but when he was declared bankrupt and we lost our home we lost the rights to that patent and my grandmother lost her investment. I never ever expected there to be an inheritance - I don't think its something you think about when you are young but as I get older and friends of mine are coming into inheritances and I see it stabilising their lives I can only wistfully release the now distant half promise that never was. I recently found out a. that there was some savings on the paternal line and b. they are plundered and lost... and I can but wistfully release that half never-promise too.

As I am consciously working on my root chakra and laying down roots and strengthening my security I am incredibly beautifully provided for in the material sense of a lovely home, food and warmth. I don't often share with friends how hand-to-mouth it is for me financially. My bank account recently hit £0 - again - and I was in minute by minute prayer contact with God to check I was doing all I could to bring in the money I needed. 59th minute of the 11th hour - again - the money I needed came in. Just. A friend came over and offered to buy me food and she put at least 3 weeks of food in the cupboards and bought me a christmas tree, bless her. I am surrounded and surrendered to love.

I know that I can expend masses of energy seeking work when the truth is that I need to stop and centre. Go within; recharge from the divine source. When I do that two things happen - I find I no longer need what I think I need and what I thought I need is also provided.

I was massively reassured recently to read in Catherine Ponder book on prosperity that someone who went on to become incredibly wealthy had, for some time, "to pray for her daily supply". I have come to accept that, for now, I have to accept and receive with grace my "daily bread". And relax into knowing that I AM doing all I can - the rest is up to God.

Spotting a looming burnout on the horizon I have stopped frantically seeking work. For the month of December I have made the commitment to myself to do daily self healing, meditate and pray and do yoga and go for gentle walks - and to check in with social media and my emails less. I have nothing t lose and everything to gain in reversing the 1 hour a day meditation 6 hours a day computer time imbalance. 6 hours a day connecting spiritually, 1 hour a day connecting technologically... I'll keep you informed of developments.

I have seen a significant softening in my relationship with my Mum recently which I can only assume for my part is a result of the work I am documenting in this blog. I am building up to asking her if I can perform a blessing way ritual for her to honour her as a mother - she might not like to - but I would like to design and offer it anyway.

Last night I was supposed to connect with my reiki master Morag - she and i spoke earlier in the week and noted that I have been a reiki master for 7 years. I asked for an attunement to mark the milestone and last night was going to be the night. Except Morag's baby wouldn't sleep. I sent them sleepy vibes and it worked for both of them! In the end, at Morag's suggestion, I attuned myself (I know... makes you go blind)... and this is what I did...

I created a circle on the floor in front of my lit fire - with a circle of candles and crystals. The clear quartz globe that I received at the same time as my master attunement 7 years ago was behind me and the green (can't remember name of crystal - got it at same time) earthing was in front of me. I sounded the bells around the circle 3 times, smudged it 3 times and spoke a spontaneous invocation in which I said "this is the space in which I claim my divine inheritance" (just came out of my mouth)... I stepped into the circle and sat down facing the fire - I held up my palms and for each of the reiki symbols in turn my hands were charged and I passed them over my brow, behind my head, over my throat, down passed the heart to the solar plexus, behind my body, back to the navel and down passed the root to the earth. It was incredibly serene.

I then went to bed and slept deeply; dreaming that I was guided around my old school by a man in arabic dress, the walls of the old school were incorporated into its new design, the central quad had spontaneously filled with water and become a lily pond, I went to a class but there was a fire alarm so we all went and sat in the sun by the pool. It was a very chilled and relaxed dream.

This morning upon waking I performed a self healing on myself and then have got on with my day. Watch this space for further developments...

Mother's Blessing (part 1)

If you have never heard this you must

Snatam Kaur Mother's Blessing


 xxx

Spiritual Counselling

I had a really good session of spiritual counselling today. When I say "I had" I mean "I gave"... I was the counsellor... but the thing is... I'm not, really, it's not me doing the counselling. And since this is an unusual concept I thought I would try to explain what the spiritual counselling experience is like and what I do to play my part in something so much bigger than me.

When I know I have an appointment with someone I make sure the space around is tidy and clean, even if I am working on skype as I often do - I always set myself up in my therapy room with a candle lit. I take some deep breaths and release any thoughts I might have about how I might want the session to go. And I take my awareness to my heart and I release any tension by breathing long and slow; I ask inwardly to be guided to be of the highest service.

Then the skype rings or the person arrives for the session. It works the same whether it's in person or on skype it's important that that person feels comfortable. Warm? Comfy? Settled?

I used to ask more upfront about a person's belief system because I wanted to make sure I said "the right thing" but increasingly I only do "small talk" until the client is sufficiently arrived and relaxed enough to start. I don't explain too much about it I just suggest experiencing it. I do say that silence is joyously welcomed as is sharing. That I hold the silence for them as they are likely to be on an inner pilgrimage but I do ask them to stay with the process and to tell me if they mentally leave the room and start planning tonights dinner. This reassures us both that we are "in" for the duration.

I do explain confidentiality and that I have supervision and that the only person I might disclose information to is my supervisor.

We settle into some silence together. Focussing on the breath... breathing... settling... slowing the breathing down...

From the fall of the silence I won't know what I am going to say until I open my mouth. Sometimes I find that I am suggesting to scan the body from the feet to the crown... sometimes we focus on the gut, the heart, the head... sometimes a guided heart opening... something perfect always comes out of my mouth. At the outset the aim is to find comfort with the focus on the heart and to be open to receive guidance.

I might speak an invocation. Using the words that come I acknowledge That which guides, That which loves, That which holds us... I affirm the safety of the space.

What comes next will be an invitation... and each time it seems the invitation takes different forms... "what rises in you to be shared?" "we are at the altar of the heart, what is your prayer?"... and then it is time for the client to hold the "talking stick"... I pass them the metaphorical baton and wait.

In the early days I used to have to actively still my mind while they were silent - I might draw sacred symbols in my minds eye - or have to say silently to myself "God is listening" or "peace" or something... but over time that need to still my mind has passed - now I almost finding myself impatiently waiting for the opportunity to be in the deep listening space with someone, the mental chatter falls away.

They have their eyes closed, most often, but I will have mine open. My gaze resting softly on them. I find that my body might tense at the same time that they shift position. Or I may get a sensation in a chakra as I watch them pass their hand over the same part. I breathe, I remind them to breathe if their breathing has become short.

They speak. Or stay silent. I listen.

The silence is beyond a lack of sound. It is like waiting in the womb, suspended from time and space.

Often they speak falteringly, playing with a concept that is arising - sometimes they talk a lot - sometimes they just start to cry. I don't react. I make gentle soothing sounds and keep listening.

I might feel prompted to interrupt but I rarely do. I never react to the first prompt as it is most likely ego wanting to fix something they are saying. I wait... breathe it away... keep listening.

I am not just listening with my ears I am listening with my soul. It can feel inwardly like floating on the ocean, being one with the ocean and not. Feeling the ebb and flow, rise and fall of the waves.

If the prompt comes through more than once or twice then I open my mouth with confidence (no one wants an apologetic weak interruption!) and I speak what comes out of my mouth without thinking too much about it. A learning edge for me is to keep it succinct, to the point. But almost always the words land well and a deeper insight is gained.

I am sitting with a mirror and in that mirror is me and is my God. And I am a mirror to them, they are in me as is their God. So often I hear issues I am working on in my own life articulated. I can sometimes feel my body reeling with the realisation that this issue I thought was "mine" is being brought to the space.

Sometimes heartbreak is inevitable. This is where the intense training of the seminary comes in. Because my heart is permanently broken open, because I am a griefholder and have released as much pain as best I can, because I have (as best as I can) released my own story I do not fear screaming heartbreak, the utter void of grief.

I might cry. It's my greatest gift I can give is my profound empathy. But it is not about me at all - I don't lose myself in the emotion.

All that the client offers washes through me; like flood water opening me and cleansing me. I am listening but I am not hanging onto their words. This is humanity; raw humanity and I am full of joy to be present to it.

This is about the moment. It is about the vastness of the human experience in that moment.

If the client asks a question of themselves I might pick that up and ask them to put it to God... "why does this keep happening?" "what can't I see?"

I notice if they affirm themselves and I repeat that back to them "yes, you are very good at..."

If they seem to say something that rings the wisdom bell with me but I don't feel they have heard their own wisdom I repeat it to them "the more I surrender the clearer I become" or whatever.

Keeping an eye on time with 10 minutes to go I gently say "just acknowledging we have 10 minutes left... " and I might summarise what I have heard in the session.

Then with 5 minutes to go I invite them back into some silence. Allowing all that has arisen to settle again. Breathing again. Feeling the presence of That which guides and loves and holds us. Offering thanks.

Sometimes I feel prompted to pray for someone as a closing. More often not.

I always thank them because it is the most extraordinary privilege.

Then it's over. There's some light chat and then it's done. They go.

I sit quietly and make a note of what remains with me - both content and feelings. I have fortnightly supervision and I might talk about my feelings or how I felt but rarely about individuals. My supervisor holds the space for me and the incredible dive into the ocean starts again.

So beautiful.

I could have written about what it feels like to receive spiritual counselling but I wanted to share my experience as the counsellor. To outline the process, the container... what actually happens to hold the space.

The inner journey is determined by what the client brings. And their willingness to surrender to the silence and guidance that comes from within them.

They are not broken nor ever were so I am relieved of any responsibility to fix. I uphold. They are perfect in their humanness as am I. They are whole. They are already healed. They have all the wisdom they need within them.

If I am anything I am loyal friend to their higher self... waiting for it to remember.

Dress for dancing!

I believe it was Hafiz that said "come to God dressed for dancing, or be carried on a stretcher onto God's ward"...

It's been a week since I last posted. It's been a week of sadness as our country decides to bomb Syria. I attended a climate change rally at the weekend and a peace vigil in the week. I cried in my welsh class yesterday because my heart broke to see all the babies there and to hold them in the same heart that holds Syrian innocents. It's been a week where meaning has been hard to find and peace has felt elusive.

It's also been a week where the sign on my wall "ask and it shall be given, seek and ye shall find"... has pissed me off so much. Even though I claim to surrender to God's will I can't help but define what form my providence might take. I would, for example, expect that since I earnestly throw myself into service of God that my rent, bills and food might be covered (nothing fancy... just the basics). And I might imagine that, sure, I need to do something for that so I put myself out all over town looking for work. No work comes. The days tick by.

I still my mind and pray about it and what comes to me is that winter would be the perfect time to write my books - how can I write books when I am worried about the rent? I ask my God - "ask and it shall be given" - ask people to fund you to write it, offer them a book in return. So I do... I put out my video, my paypal link, my vision.

And wait... and wait... gentle, beautiful donations come in. I hold them lightly and lovingly and feel so grateful for them. But my ego sees what I don't have and not what I do have. Each passing day nears me to rent day and I can only deeply see and feel the deficit.

This is the same time as I am due to go to Dublin on Saturday and the tickets have been bought by the organisation I volunteer for but I cannot for the life of me find my passport. I turn my house over twice, my partners house, my car and my old workplace. No where to be found.

These are utterly insignificant problems in the grand scale of things but I tell you what it's the little stones in your shoe that gets to the pilgrim!

I found myself raging at God... "I am worth more than this! Why wait til the 59th minute of the 11th hour every time? I am worthy of a home! I am worthy of warmth! I am worthy of food and clothes! Why?!?!?!" and I could feel God smiling and all fear left me. THAT was what my Higher Power wanted to hear - it sounded like self will but actually it was an uprising, upstanding, estimable statement!

And then I realise that while I thought surrender might bring about some nice work so I can pay my bills - the truth of it is that I needed to own for myself the sense of worthiness. I also needed to not have the work come in so that I should think creatively and commit to writing my book. I also needed to not be all holy and self sufficient because unless my hand is forced I never ask for help but do it all by myself (but willing to help others - which is a power/control imbalance if I ever heard one).

I needed to lose my passport so I would sort through my boxes and clear out all my old papers and receipts. 4 bin bags of them.

I found my passport. I have paid my rent today. Not quite the 59th minute of the 11th hour but I had about 30 minutes to spare.

This is only a small example of first world problems but I hope there is some message of reassurance in it - that we may not know what the plan is but there is a plan. It may be that in short term there is suffering so that we rise up to meet our full potential.

To come to God dressed for dancing is to surrender. To resist the dance is to beaten into submission by self will and egoism. The destination is the same.

The only difference is acceptance. what IS is what is. Suffering is created when there is a discrepancy between what we think we want and what we have.

My choice today is to decide whether I want to wear myself down to a sick and exhausted wretch that needs a stretcher... or whether I choose to dance.