Well.
There is much I can't tell you about my weekend because of confidentiality. But a great healing took place in which I released a sense of carrying great darkness from my ancestral line. There may be sickness there but not evil.
This was a belief I had been holding that was preventing me from really feeling I could have a child of my own.
I saw my Aunt on Friday who lent me lots of great books to help me with my doula journey, and she gave me my paternal family tree and lots of information about the family that I didn't know and I was glad to find out (even though it is dark!)... I then went to play my role of mentor for the training of onespirit interfaith ministers. I mentor 6 students who are in the second year of 2. In the second year we trace our own biography from before conception through birth, childhood, adolescence, relationships, marriage, endings and partings, illness, old age and death and beyond and we learn to perform ceremonies to mark these great rites of passage.
This weekend was about Birth.
So! Armed with my family tree, 6 weeks of persephone underworld explorations thanks to Yoni Egg and a pile of birth books I went to my mentoring duties. The content of the weekend is confidential but I can share with you my experience of what happened on Sunday...
The night before I was reading an account of birth in one of the doula books my auntie lent me and I was overcome with a desire to have a child. I prayed and said to God that I dare not ask in prayer for something that was not God's will... and God said "ask"... and I did, I said "I want a baby" and God said "OK".
On Sunday part of the altar was a shamanic talisman of a owl's wing (the owl had been hit by a car and a shaman had preserved the wing) and one of the students was terrified of it but was brave enough to touch it. I too am phobic of birds and all things fluttery - so in the break time I touched it. It represented my deepest fear to me and when I touched it it was so soft - softer than the cat - unbelievably soft and I picked it up and it was unbelievably light. I felt "something" enter me and I knew that it was a part of me that had never incarnated. I came fully into being. I went and stood by the window out of the way and started to weep and shake uncontrollably. The floor and walls disappeared - again (4th time this year) - and I was bathed in light - I came to stood by the window with my hand on the pane of glass. I was overcome by the beauty - of everything - and I found myself stroking my fingers down the glass stroking the images of people beyond who walked up and down Baron's Court tube.
I could not stop this weeping - excruciatingly raw and in complete bliss at the same time. I knew I needed to anchor so I saw Ian - a fellow mentor - and ran into his arms - he saw me coming and stood to meet me and he held me while I sobbed and shook. Eventually the tears stopped and I looked Ian in the eye and said "tell you later" and he said "you don't need to".
I don't need to. But it is a tale worth telling.
In answer to my question "what would it feel like to fully trust and surrender?" the answer is "to Be fully alive".
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