Last weekend I told my mother that I was ready to start healing others again. For 7 years since I received my master attunement I haven't particularly felt that my role was to lay hands on others because I knew that I needed to heal myself first. I didn't see that statement coming but when I heard myself say that I felt myself reeling - am I really that OK? I check in... my body is largely without pain... I am not ill with any infection... I feel light in my body... my emotions and feelings are beautifully wild, real and powerful but I am not identified with them... I like what I see in the mirror, I love the feel of my curves under my palms... my mind is generally still, I am not resentful nor guilty... I feel by and large present to the moment. I feel open in my heart, grounded through my feet and clear in my mind. Check, check, check.
Huh that's weird. Not only am I used to not being in full health but I actually enjoyed it at times. Look after me! Take care of me! Wrap me up and tend to me! Full health means taking full responsibility. Am I ready?
Having performed the attunement ritual laid out in the previous post for myself I also spent time in the ether with my master Morag who also attuned me last night. I asked to be attuned to Abundance, Sacred Intimacy, Full Health, Radical Self Love and Self Care... (In the name of service to others). Already feeling That we sat - Morag near Aberdeen, Scotland and me in Snowdonia and I felt the fire pulse through me. I felt soft and hot and open. Sensual. I held my obsidian yoni egg in my hand (am at menses) and I drank water infused with my clear crystal orb.
I then slept deeply and dreamt of my friend Ian (who in real life is a fellow mentor at the seminary and has established the OneSpirit Ashram Kitchen in the Jungle in Calais - and recently he held me while I experienced a profound spiritual awakening experience - it's detailed in a previous post)... in the dream he was weeping and I held him. He stopped weeping after some time and we were spinning together, then became still and merged. My interpretation of the dream is that Ian represents my animus which takes great action in service of humanity - the weeping of the animus is one of both exhaustion and for being seen. In the holding the balance is achieved and a dynamo spinning occurs of energy.
I was at my Red Tent circle on Saturday and I shared that at the most profoundest level I have yet experienced I feel whole and well. I also feel DARK and am reclaiming "dark" from its association with bad, wrong, evil, sad, lost and the opposite of light (which gets so often credited with goodness).
I am in the winter of my cycle (menses) and started bleeding on the dark moon and am in the winter of the year. I couldn't BE darker. Oh my... how extraordinary do I feel. The menstrual pains are still painful at one level but with my hands on my belly, tuning in I feel this deep groaning swaying primal contraction to nothing - yes, now I can be nothing - and all there is is That that is in All. Like a black hole. I am nothing.
I still feel waves of grief - largely for my black dog - Nero, bless him. But the grief when I hold it tenderly is like the great heaving swell of the oceans. It moves within me and beyond me - I am the ocean.
I feel tired - but the judgment that that is wrong has died - the tiredness is a delicious settling and resting into a soft bed of moss - the tendrils of earthly roots reaching into my ears and mouth - breathing me and nourishing me as I sleep. I am the earth.
I feel in Love. That Love keeps breaking me into fractions of grains of sand. My heart is breaking over and over for the pain of those I love, for the state of the world, for the refugees, for the bombs, for the angry ones. My heart keeps breaking open for the elders of our world lost in dementia - tormented by demons. For all the creatures of this world cold and alone, hungry. That Love and Grief are One.
The Love is ecstatic and is excruciating. I am not high. I am sitting calmly on my laptop sharing how I feel. I know what is consensus reality - I am feeling awake and grounded and real.
The Love I feel for everything right now is beyond words.
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