Dancing in the Dark

I became aware over the last couple of days that I felt really weak through my upper body. I had shiatsu last week and it released something from my heart but maybe it stayed. In describing this weakness I said it felt like I was carrying someone around, an attachment or entity. So I decided to light the fire, candles… push back the furniture and dance the 5 rhythms. The 5 R recording I have is ancient and I know it so well - there's nothing spontaneous left in the music for me. I danced the first half - vaguely aware of what was in me - the emotions locked behind yards of glass - the desire to express those emotions only the merest tickle like a long distant maybe sneeze.

Then the music stopped and my head was slumped and shoulders rounded. Stock still like a hung man. I became aware of the body of a dead child inside me - heart overlapping heart - and another and another. Aged 7, aged 10, aged 14. Hanging lifelessly as if hung by the neck. Hair falling forward over their faces. They were not spirit attachments. They were me.

The music restarted after its pause. To the outside observer I would have seemed to have stopped dancing. Feet planted deeply I barely rocked but I was breathing and my energy bodies were open and pulsing. I heard a voice say "wake up" and realised it was my voice. "Wake up"… and the dead children stirred uncomfortably as if wanting 5 more minutes rest. The shamanic drum and gentle music beating like a heart. I could hear a voice groaning… and realised it was me. Long low groans like labour pains. Tears falling straight down, not bothering with my face, straight onto the slate of the fire place.

The bodies were now floating in water… then spinning in space. I looked at the fire and as I did the logs split and flames leapt. The groaning and moaning continued "wake up" I kept saying "I choose you"… "I claim you". And the rage awakened and I roared silently. I stretched up and opened my body feeling the young saplings unfurl and stand open with me... before weariness overcame me and I sank into the child's pose, forehead on the floor.

And there I stayed - perineum pulsing to the music but nothing more - stone still until the music stopped.

And now the world is different and still the same.